i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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