So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
