The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
