I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You ruined the universe
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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