im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
