i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
