Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
