Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
