i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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