just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
