He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
