just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
