Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You took a bar mat shot.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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