My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
