my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
