I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
