Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
