Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
