i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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