if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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