you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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