i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
