He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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