WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
