wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
