So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
