I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
