If i come over, it means nothing
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
