the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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