I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
