Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
