Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
