I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
