i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
