But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
