i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
