Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
