who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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