walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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