there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
