I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
