Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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