i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
