conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This house was built for laser tag.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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