I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
