He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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