Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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