Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
