How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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