I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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