I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
