you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
