I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
me + whiskey = a bad person
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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